To Wish Impossible Things
by nuageux
Summary: "why don't you express yourself to me in honesty?" "...we all die one piece at a time somehow, right?" that's all she said.
1. Like an Arsonist

"Close your eyes;" he whispers in my ear with a sinister smile, "...sometimes it helps"

"Are you sure?" The twist of the empty chamber is what separates us both from what people would describe as death.

But we have both agreed it is an act of altruism, for the love of her.

She didn't decide. She didn't fucking decide..

I cannot believe she betrayed me, love makes people blind and I became stupid in the matter of minutes.

I am so desperate.

Why did she leave me with runny mascara and red eyes?

No emotions felt in her touch and an empty kiss of lust and luck.

A piece of paper with her handwriting saying: I love loved you so much..

This is unbelievable and heart wrenching.

Make this pain stop... I am begging you PLEASE!


	2. We Might as Well Be Strangers

so I have some things to explain, the excuses that are owed explanations.

I am literally numb on my insides, just a poorer version of my brother.

I go to school and find a new object to play with. It's entertaining for a moment,

his name is,... well, it doesn't matter cos they all become blank faces with voices

of talks show on mute. Speaking a lot and saying nothing at all.

But they have no emotions and strings that sink my heart allowing me to drown like she does.

She's so selfish in her depression, I wish that she would wake up.

This girl that I have never seen in my life approached me in the hallway.

She knocked my books outta of my hands, forcing me to crawl on the ground.

I didn't understand where this was coming from.

Giving me a much needed chokehold,

… "_are you sure you're ready?" she prepares me in her raspy and sultry voice, _

_beginning to apply pressure on my body_

"_Of course, I like the violence and to bleed, leave bruises on me for memory's sake?"_

_She bit her lip in uncertainty, _

"_okay."_

"_hey, I love you.."_

brings back that memory.

Weakening me and creating an Ashley smirk on my face,

she knees me hard in the abdomen causing me to fall

… I guess I lost conscientious for a few seconds, her eyes appeared to me again.

When I awoke this girl was still hitting me,

but someone stopped her from doing further damage.

"Ashley?"

The girl rushed at me again,

"You are nothing but a ghost. You aren't even worthy of her. "

Spit on my face and burning the things that possess my name.

"B, you've done enough." sternly and cold.

I was left alone, and I haven't felt alone in awhile now.

It takes me a lot to admit this. I have a broken heart, so I cry for angst and dead dandelions.

She loves me not.


	3. The Quiet Things No One Knows

I hear a knock at my window, it is 4 am.

4 am, and I am about to face my fears or a fear in human form.

Luckily I barely sleep or dream, we both look like skeletons.

She is right in front of me, "can you open the window?" sullen and desperate.

"Now you know a piece of how I feel." I mutter

"Open up to me please, tell me that it wasn't necessary to do that." she replies

"You are so damn selfish, and I hate you for it. You leave me conflicted because I still love you."

"Yeah, look let's not say anything. Anything at all and just lay next me."

"Are you stupid? You are out to hurt me."

she breaks down on her knees and hugs herself on the ground, looking for false comfort.

I cave in, seeing her like this is painful and self-destructing,

all I have ever wanted is lying next to me.

She wraps her arms around me subconsciously

and we sleep.


	4. If Only You Were Lonely

"Who is B?" I ask her suddenly when I awake.

She sighs with annoyance at me, "Brooke."

"She is my friend, and she beat you because she hates you... and what you've done to change me."

"Wait.. what? You've known about this ahead of time? Why would you do that to me?"

I am in total shock, but a little stunned.

She looks at me uneasy, I am ashamed because I deserved it.

I am still mean to her in school, laughing at her for quirky things that she likes.

Underneath it all, I find it so attractive, she is not afraid to be herself.

I wish I had her courage.

"why are you here? I am trying to get over you, you know. You are not the easiest person to be in love with because you are such a bitch, cold-hearted, desperately trying to fit in with those plain janes who don't even know the real you, don't you know that being loved on the surface is worthless?"

I cannot speak an audible answer to that.

Before I know it, I lock myself in her bathroom.

Trying to fill her bathtub with enough water to drown...

Why is she so difficult and accept the facade of me?

This is too much for me right now, I don't even want to breathe.

Truth be told I am scared that she will leave,

so I slip into the bathwater and my body weight causes it to overflow...

I just drifted into a sea of darkness, didn't turn off the water.


	5. All You Can't Leave Behind

I broke down the bathroom door, she completely flooded the floor

And I panic, trying to save all the pieces of her.

I pull her out of the water, she is inhaling and exhaling.

I come into a emotional rage, as she sits there laughing to herself.

I hit her in her face out of frustration, and we begin to argue and it escalates to physicalness,

more bruises, and bloodstains on the walls, and broken things on the carpet.

I am so pissed I am crying, trying to pick up the pieces.

She actually has a conscience and stops looking at herself in the mirror.

She begins to help me and makes a quiet confession into my collar bone as she holds me.

Quivering, "I am jealous of your friend."

"Would it be better that I am alone to make you sane again? I shouldn't even have feelings for you like this,

did you forget what the hell your brother did to me for you? Do you remember, you caused that to me?"

"I have forgiven, but not forgotten."

"Does that help you sleep tight at night?"

"Fuck you," she screams at me... she answers quietly after realizing her emotions, "and no it doesn't."

"It would be so much easier to hate you."

She applies force and slams me up against the wall.

" I love you so much and hate you with just as much passion because you bring out the best in me and sides I do not want shown."

"I feel the same way about you."

She looks up, I hear police sirens.

She kisses me briefly, and I don't know why.

I throw her medication at her when she walks away from me.

"So much for seeking attention, you are so fucked up."

"I know, come on a run with me?"


	6. Everytime We Lie Awake

_Spencer_

"No, you better go."

I am trying to caress her and smooth out things, it is not working.

"Tell me how it should be."

She can't even look at me, and it's making me rage inside.

"Not. Like. This."

The knock at the door interrupts our ultimatum.

I forgot about the police sirens and the officers here to relieve this

tension and hate with the look in her eyes.

_Ashley_

The neighbors are so caring, caring about me breaking me from her havoc.

I am so addicted to it, I should find her and feel her near me again.

I need this. Maybe I want her so much I hate her.

"hey you." B is here, breaking my stream-of-conscience thoughts

I inhale sharply, I know what is coming.

"Do not speak a single word. Why are you thinking of somebody who destroys you so much?"

"I refuse to explain this to you or anyone anymore. You wouldn't understand."

"I do, you're conflicted, broken, in love and alone. Have a nice journey being churned intentionally into bits of nothing.

You are no one like who you were."

I let the guilt take awhile to sink in, its easier to show no emotions.

But it doesn't stop me from the silent screams and quiet tears that take place.

I have to clean all of this up. I have to clean myself.


	7. Hello Cold World

Spencer

The process is more difficult than I imagined.

Nothing comes easy but mix temptation intentionally in the formula and

I've lost myself in her again. Fuck.

Why won't she look at me in the hallways?

I am not that mean to her.

I saw concealer-covered bruise marks when I pushed her up against the wall in the boys bathroom.

So it wasn't me that she is avoiding.

...She still needs me, right?

I know, I am a bitch for all of this.


	8. Talk Show On Mute

"What did you guys do to her?" I demanded.

The Plain Janes are filled with laughter of irony at this point.

Avery: "What? Spencer, we love you. We did you a favor, she is ruining your reputation.

Even Glen seems to notice how different you've been acting lately.

It's kind of pathetic, like you're in love with her or something.

She is obviously with you, and that is sick. "

Harper chimes in: "It was fun. She's still breathing, we just made her into a

little person we step on for the deception she's caused you."

Avery whispers to me, "Relax, I know the truth. Your brother is a monster. But this year will be our masquerade.

Do not fuck this up, do not fuck up your legacy. He is doing this for all of us. We have everything at our feet soon enough, remember our pact, Spencer?" She brushes a loose hair behind my ear.

"Ha, she was looking. Don't start it, you need to finish this."


	9. Places You Have Come to Fear The Most

_Ashley_

Why am I left alone every time I am in need to be consoled? I feel sick and empty, I am not eating because only she can fill my void of hunger. I've called 40 times within the last two hours, getting drunk with every sip than the last and the emotions keep pouring as more bottles become emptier. I manage to type out this poem, sobering experience enough for her to see my hurt because she cannot feel:

"So many times I have felt alone still in love with you and the destruction you bring to me. It is difficult to grasp the thought of my realities that you are just no more than a bittersweet ghost . How can that be when you're still my everything?

I am straightjacketed in between my heart and my feelings, holding on to you and letting you go at the same time. But I still want you, this is wrong to admit but we both know I am waiting for you to cover my thoughts flowing from my mouth. It would be so much easier to put on a front and lie to myself like I've never been hurt to make my universe at peace, but I love the chaos and beautiful disasters you put on me.

Let's toast to the misery, various forms of so-called protection from your harms, I am smiling to this sick symphony even though I am not happy. But the truth is letting you go makes me incomplete, I guess this is how I bleed.

I have a light note: I found someone new who is amazing enough to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and admit it when they miss me, suppressing the wounds, but they aren't as fucked up as you. For the heavy notes: what I need and have found seems too good to be true, I am so afraid that I would rather bury myself in your uncertainties and be comfortable with the fact that I care so much that you don't feel the same.

I am hurting myself in grievance of you tonight, waiting for a round of abuse, just something so your silence can stop torturing pieces left of me.

Make this easier so I can let go, you know that you're making me sick because of the silent waiting. For that, I may never let this alone. My disaster, I am still in pieces as sincerely yours. "


	10. Numbing Progress

_Spencer_

she left this in my mailbox and I opened it in a hurry,

she was running away from me.

I ran towards her house and I busted the glass window with heavy stones.

I am a criminal for she wasn't even there,

once again a low-life bitch because I know the payment she

will receive because of this.

I found her at the library, studying late as usual while the temptations of

self- destruction pass by her like she doesn't exist.

She's so pure and beautiful at this moment in time.

And I need a drink in order to begin this conversation.

I receive a text from an unknown number:

"i know I am the last person you need to hear this from, but I hope you aren't

even thinking of drinking while being on medication"

"Ash, you should be the last person I hear this from. Will you atleast talk to me?"

"..."

the silence is what does me in, everytime and she knows it.

She is sick and torturing me, I hate her for it but I need it.

Who am I kidding, I don't need it but we both know I deserve this.

But I will not bow to this kind of treatment,

I love myself enough to humiliate myself and

have enough stories for people to spread rumours about me for weeks.

I overturn her table with her books and throw payment for the window on the floor.

She still says nothing, her hands are empty and she walks up to me, smashing my phone on the floor.

Things between us have changed, enough of my bullshit?

_Ashley _

...This is only the beginning of a silent war, and we will engage in russian roulette

until the both of us tear each other down into dusts.


	11. Underneath It All

_Spencer_

I storm out of the library, I have nothing left to give or say.

And I am a wreck, I better clean up before Glen comes my way and sees

me being a wreck again because of her. I fall so easily unto her, my thoughts are choking

but it is so easy to suffocate myself when I know I've caused her destruction like this.

I smoke a cigarette, yeah, I truly need a new vice...

It's just something to take a new edge off I have surrounded myself with.

I didn't realize that she was watching me like this. She's sick and is the reason why we're falling apart. I want to hurt her, but I cannot understand why.

_Ashley_

All the things I knew are falling. I should explain things to you, I had a fling... still being with Spencer

Glen knows the truth, and he hates me for it.

I cannot blame him for that, because we both are keeping the secret from her.

I have to get away from her, if she finds out who it was she will lose it.

I am no good. We both aren't for each other, but why can't either of us let go?

_Glen_

I don't regret doing what I did to Ashley.

I love Spencer and I am so overprotective of her she doesn't believe I am

capable of doing something so demented and illogical.

Everything has it's reasoning, she was changing my sister.

I hated seeing her smile because of love and the fact that it was _her._

I am the grenade that is responsible for the death of innocent lives, if you feel better about calling it that.

My hands are clean.


	12. Empires

Spencer

"Tempt me with your touch please...

Lie to me with your caresses and empty kisses.

This means nothing, everything to you is nothing... but your nothings are now my everything"

is the graffiti left on the bathroom stall, our stall of awkard moments, make-out sessions, and confliction.

It was a secret, now the whole school posts pictures of this poem by a fictional romeo.

They never though she be a Juliet instead.

Post-it note on my locker: "Do you miss me yet?"

A tear sheds as she looks upon me.

A guy from my past, Ethan, kisses her temple.

The same place I used to when we were alone in the dark..

I cannot handle this, any of it. So my next reaction is coming close to her, smiling to her face,

cup her hair and punch her in the face.

Ethan takes it as a cue to chime in to continue the masquerade.

The Plain Janes add in their licks

to complete the mission and make Avery proud.

She grabs my hand, and as we walk past my brother she winks at him.

"We've been waiting for you to come back around to your senses.."

Except she is the bloody beauty and I am the demonic beast..


	13. Transferance

TRANSFERANCE

Spencer:

And I have to ask, what is it that I have done to her?

Am I really as evil as people portray me?

I need her forgiveness, she knows my intentions. Even though I hurt her so often,

I hurt because of her too.

She was suspended for two weeks from school, I secretly managed to get a copy of her schedule

and get her all her assignments so she doesn't miss anything.

I come with a care package, her backpack, flowers, a card, teddy bear and whatever else to show that I am sorry.

I want to try to make us work.

I break into her house again, and hold her hand in contemplation while she sleeps.

She's so beautiful to me, I wish we made each other

happy, like how it is in the movies.

She is shocked to find me lying next to her,

I coax her into lustful and loving positions before she has the chance to get angry at me.

Details are never important, just intimate and so private.

I kiss her collarbone, while she smiles at me and then pushes me aggressively off of her.

She is so angry and hurt with me. She started yelling at me:

"Why do you keep doing these things to me? Am I honestly not good enough for you, do you get a sick pleasure out of playing with me?"

I am so cold with her, "you are not 100% innocent in this either, I have told you before that I cannot let you in. I am fighting with myself for the future and the past of who I was. I am sorry you have to deal with that, and them. You have been passing everything I put you through..."

"I have been passing?"

She shakes her head in disbelief,

"You. Need. To. Decide. Who you love and what kind of future you need! I am so done with all of this!"

She just looks at me sickened, lowers her voice and whispers to me:

"I gave myself to you, you were my first even though I was never your only."

I feel betrayed by her honesty, she knows the truth. I hate her for it.

Its a never ending cycle because she makes me feel horrible.

All I could do was cry, and she wouldn't hold me.

" I need you, quit being so selfish and love me because I actually give a fuck about you."

"Do not make me do this, please? Look at this, okay? I carry you with me everyday, I am so fucked up. But do not, do not give up on me."

I show her the letter A, tattooed on my ankle, without her I cannot walk or be whole.

"You don't mean it, I don't mean that much to you. Because if I did, you would fight for me, and tell them the truth. Decide."

She pushes me away from her, towards the window,

gritting her teeth she says, "Get out."

"I am trying to you something" I plead with her.

"Save it for when you decide to care." as she attempts to shut me out again.

"Please, I love you." she hears me, I know it but her response is a slammed window.


	14. Sham To My Fake Friends

SHAM TO MY FAKE FRIENDS

Ashley:

I closed the window on her,

I didn't care to hear her voice anymore.

Empty promises, and lingering secrets.

I have nothing or nobody to console,

so I just break down alone.

She could have been here,

but I need her to change.

I am her, she is me.

But I am not the sacrifice she needs in order to be free.

I hope that she understands, she has to understand that.

A familiar voice comes into my presence,

"You are so much better than this, Ashley, please do not let it destroy you."

"Brooke, I have told you before that you can not possibly understand

how I feel nor the guilt you are placing on me because I let go when I shouldn't have."

She becomes angry at me, "You do not know how it feels, you kept trying to throw me away!"

"I seriously just need you as a friend, and if you cannot be that for me then I don't need you either."

"You're such a coward," she says, "you cannot fight what is true."

"I can't believe you, what did you do?!"

I don't want to believe it, I am suddenly grasping for air.

"Ashley, this is my sister, Avery. I am going to let you two be."

There is nothing but silence, not even that can console what is possessing me.

What does she know, how far has she gone?

I feel like damaging Brooke's face.

Avery puts her arms up to stop me from leaving.

"You have every right to hate Brooke and I. Brooke loves you in reality though. But I know

you love Spencer, and Spencer cares deeply for you.

Look, I came because you need to know something. I know what happened between you and Glen. I was there.

He is a monster, but imagine if he was able to do that to you, what we can possibly do to her.

I will not have any remorse to any damage that may be done if or when it happens.

Just know your place, use my sister to get over Spencer, and leave her alone.

You can never be one of us, and she will never be apart of you.

How many times does she have abuse you for you to know that?

You will not destroy us."

So, this is it. She leaves me with a smile, while I am burdened in silent tears.

I guess the lesson goes that: Love is not meant to be a sacrifice.

But I will sacrifice myself constantly for her.

This may be purposeful, but right now this moment is a hurricane of blurred images.


	15. Truth Doesn't Make a Noise

TRUTH DOESN'T MAKE A NOISE

Spencer:

I love her. This much I knew, but even that couldn't save me, her, or us.

All I knew was falling, for days enemies caused me to slip faster than bridges that crumbled after being burned.

Amist the confusion, lies, and lust, we lost each other and more importantly ourselves.

I didn't know after that visit from Avery she actually tried to do it.

The unspeakable act which I blamed myself for.

Ashley:

I wondered lost for days, drunk in alcoholic logic, adderall withdrawals, and insomniac visions.

When I drink, the demons possess my heart. I choked up and finally went to see him.

The guy I knew, Glen, stays the same, causing me trauma, and still makes me drugged enough to commit newfound sins.

I hate him, but he is so much like Spencer.

We played various games seducing new highs.

Nothing like this extreme, adrenaline rush of Russian Roulette.

"Close your eyes;" he whispers in my ear with a sinister smile, "...sometimes it helps"

"Are you sure?" The twist of the empty chamber is what separates us both from what people would describe as death.

We call it an axiom act of altruism.

She didn't decide. She didn't fucking decide..

Chamber is blank, again.

The chrome of this barrel is getting sweeter by each pull.

Spencer:

Somehow he stopped her from pulling it that very second.

I knew nothing of this, until I visited Glen. He was arrested that morning for the

things he did to her back then and other girls.

He may be guilty, but I know the other sides to him.

He's mentally ill, no one fully gets that but me.

At school, I am treated as an outcast.

I plotted my revenge against Ashley, and everyone else who betrayed me once upon a time and it backfired in my face.

I woke up days later with no memory of how it all happened.

I was in the middle of the football field, with the torn up letters between Ashley and I,

and a state of madness from a drunken phase.

"Are you okay?" is all she asked.

"No, not right now. But I will be as long as you're here for keeps."

"Spencer, I cannot promise you anything."

"Ashley, just don't then. I decide that my everything is you."

She laughs bitterly and mocks my stance,

'Yeah, because I was the only person left in your life.

I see that you're cutting and drinking again, you are so fucked up. And I don't understand why you cannot just let. it. go."

I have to contain my emotions, now is not the time for her to see me cry.

"So now what are you going to do, be predictable and leave?"

"No, that is what you do to everyone that ever loves you."

I officially do not know where we stand, I fucking hate this

merry-go-round of love, lust, and various diseases.


End file.
